The Canon Keeper's Guide
by Laura Andrews
Summary: A manual for all Canon Keeper's, which they should keep handy on their assignments.


I think that the idea of Canon Keepers is really good, so I decided to write a manual for them :) Thanks to JealousoftheMoon for the ideas for this fic, even though she didn't know she was giving them to me. I detest all forms of Canon-Destruction, Mary Sues, Gary Stus, and Marty Sams. This was written primarily with Chronicles of Narnia and Lord of the Rings in mind, but can certainly be used by all Canon Keepers of any fandom.

DISCLAIMER: Although I'm not C., I think that it's alright if I put this up. After all, I'm defending his work, right? If any of you copyright police are lurking about, just go on to someone who is ruining the canon, and please leave me alone. I'll give the canon back safe and sound when I'm finished.

Note: I haven't figured out how to make more than one chapter. I'll divide it up as soon as I've figured it out, hopefully. I'm sorry for the inconvenience. I know King Caspian the Seafarer has been looking forward to this, so I wanted to get it published as soon as possible.

The Canon Keeper s Guide to Subduing, Executing, and Otherwise Dealing With Mary Sues, Gary Stus, and All Variations Thereof

To Be Issued to All Beginning Canon Keepers Before Their First Assignment and Kept For the Duration of Their Employment.

Part One The Basics

Welcome to The Canon Keepers! We are very glad that you have chosen this most noble occupation. Just before your first assignment, you will be issued the latest inter-universe transportation device. These are constantly being updated and improved, but you must keep your device for at least one year, unless it is damaged (usually by a close encounter with a powerful Sue/ Stu). In the case of damage, contact your Canon Keeper s Headquarters and request that it be repaired. If this is not possible, then you will be given a new one before your next assignment. You will also be issued a standard CK uniform, with the appropriate fandom name (NCK, LOTRCK, etc.) applied to it. In the case of damage to the uniform, you will be issued a new one. Your pay will be determined by your rank. There are three ranks: First Level, Second Level, and Third Level. You will start out as a First Level, and will be accompanied by a Second or Third Level on your first five assignments. If by then you have shown yourself capable, you will be allowed to go by yourself on occasion, although it almost always necessary to have at least one other along with you. We have found out by experience that Sues and Stus often have nasty powers, and there are usually more than one of them. Your assignments will never be emailed or texted, as the Sue/ Stu may intercept and therefore prepare for you. You will be summoned to your respective Headquarters and given your assignment, along with your partner. You ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT allowed to give any details of your assignment to ANYONE unless authorized to do so. You may be authorized to give out assignment details to a Canon Character on occasion. However, the Sues and Stus are quite expert at looking very much like their Canon counterparts, so you must be extremely cautious. Usually, a First Level or Second Level is not authorized to give out any assignment details, as they are not as experienced in the enemy s wiles. The examples in Part Three are actual events which have taken place. In Part Three, you will be shown how to deal with a Mary Sue/Gary Stu/Marty Sam, and the examples will be used both for instruction, and hints. Often we will address how a particular situation could have been better handled.

In your basic training, you will be taught how to neutralize a Sue s/Stu s power, how to execute said enemies, and how to rescue a Canon Character from a Sue or Stu dungeon. However, you will rarely be called upon to do these things on your own until you are promoted to a Second Level.

Recognizing Mary Sues, Gary Stus, and Marty Sams ranges from very easy to horribly difficult. The more inexperienced of them will look like a typical prototype: Pink glittery dress, faux golden hair (equipped with its own shining-in-the-sun mechanism), long, pink, glittery fingernails, high heeled pink (and, yes, glittery) sandals, eyes the color of the deep sea, a musical voice, and, often (this will surprise you), a pink (sigh), glittery wand. Beginner Gary Stus are macho tough guys with deep, passionate voices, stunning eyes (just about any color, but usually deep, thoughtful brown or penetrating gray), and strong yet tender arms (we all know why). All Marty Sam s are easy to spot. Even the most experienced is a deeply depressed, horrifyingly sensitive character (more often than not, it s a faun styling himself as Martin Samuel Tumnus). [Which brings us to an important point: often, all you have to do to find out if a character, however experienced they may be, they always have long, exaggerated names, usually some variation on their character type, such as Marianna Susanna Etalita Rosita Annalia, or Gerald Stuart Marcus De La Charlemagne; basically, anything that sounds important or high and haughty]. Now, back to what we were saying. With the more experienced Sues and Stus, they may look very much like a Canon Character. They may dress differently than the usual, run-of-the-mill Sue/ Stu. You must pay close attention. Since you have been accepted as a Canon Keeper, you will, of course, already be well-versed in the fandom to which you have applied. If the character does not behave as he/she would in the Canon, then you can be sure that they are a non-Canonical villain, and be dealt with accordingly. However, you must take into consideration several things before dealing out justice. First, find out, if possible, the age of the author of the particular fanfiction you have been sent to. If it is a beginning writer, and the character is only slightly out-of-character, then all you need to do is give it a nudge in the right direction. Also, if you can see that, usually, the author writes within the Canon, and they are writing an AU fic, in which the character is slightly different, then deal as gently as possible. Remember, some AU fics are harmless. Others, however, such as slash, must be dealt with harshly and to the full extent of the Canon Law. This means that they must be subdued, executed, and (many times) re-executed. An author who refuses to be corrected will be sent a letter from a high ruling official of the particular fandom (I.e, Aslan, Gandalf). In some cases, a Sue or Stu who is not too far gone may be captured and brought to Headquarters. Often they can be re-educated, and become wonderful helps to our side in the fight against the non-Canon.

Part Two

Assignments and Promotions

As a First Level, you will be sent with either a Second Level or Third Level on your first five assignments. These will usually be cases of small importance, to help you get your bearings. You will be trained in using your inter-universe transportation device, as well as rescuing Canon Characters from 'Sue and 'Stu dungeons. After you have satisfactorily completed five assignments, you will be able to work with another First Level who has also completed his five assignments, and will be sent on missions. If you show yourself to be capable and reliable after a period of time, you will be advanced to Second Level. A Second Level has the chance of taking new First Levels on assignments and showing them how to do things. There are more Second Levels than there are First or Third. Almost everyone advances to Second Level, but very few go to Third. To become a Third Level, you must distinguish yourself as both a First and Second Level, and make only a minimum amount of mistakes. You must show yourself capable of recognizing and executing justice on 'Sues and 'Stus without hesitation, regret or overpowerment. Five cases of these three things will de-promote you to the level below, and, if as a First Level, you are overpowered, you hesitate, or show regret at what you must do more than seven times, you will be fired and unable to reapply for another ten years. Third Levels are the most proficient. They are given higher profile jobs, such as dealing with slash and incest. Third Level Narnia Canon Keepers also deal with the worst cases of Suspian, and Third Level Lord of the Rings Canon Keepers deal with the worst cases of Aragorn/Eowyn fics (these are rare, but highly dangerous, as are Arwen/Faramir, Legolas/Arwen, and Legolas/Eowyn). A Second Level deals with most Suspian (in the NCK), and intermediate fanfiction where the 'Sues and 'Stus are not as easily recognized. You must complete an assignment before going on to the next one. Free coffee and snacks are available at the Canon Snack Bar in your local Headquarters, but these must not be taken on assignments (unless authorized). You may visit the Snack Bar for rest, relaxation, and a time of chatting with fellow Canon Keepers about your latest experiences. No one is obligated to remain with the Canon Keepers for any length of time. You may leave as soon as you wish; and you may come back any time you wish. We are always in need of Canon Keepers. The only reason that you will be denied entrance into the Canon Keepers is if you have a record of helping Mary Sues/Gary Stus/Marty Sams escape other Canon Keepers. You may request assistance on an assignment if it proves too difficult to handle, at which time a Second (or, in worst case scenarios, a Third) Level will come and assist you. You will not lose any part of your pay if this happens, unless it is determined that there was no need for you to call for help. If you have any questions, please ask the Canon Head at your local Headquarters. Next we will address the most important issue: dealing with your enemies.

Part Three

How to Subdue or Execute a Mary Sue, Gary Stu, or Marty Sam

Example 1

Thompson and Anders had been sent to subdue a particularly nasty Mary Sue who had invaded the Chronicles of Narnia Canon, The Silver Chair. In this particular fanfic, she had appeared right before the witch turned into a serpent, and was exerting her usual magical powers to defeat it. This was an emergency, and so Thompson and Anders had to act quickly, so that events could go on canonically. They appeared in a silent flash, and stood in front of the Mary Sue (her name is not important). Here is the account from their case file which they assembled (everyone must record their encounters in a case file so that it can be studied). "We entered at just the moment that the Mary Sue had extended her glittery pink wand towards the witch as she turned from beautiful woman to huge green serpents. We had not a second to loose. While Thompson pushed himself between the 'Sue and the serpent, I waved my hand in front of Puddleglum. The Marshwiggle had been, by the fanfic writer's idiocy, reduced to a drooling creature who couldn't even pick his sword up from where it had fallen. I recalled Puddleglum from his daze, and like a flash he was on the serpent, which was about to kill Prince Rillian. Rillian himself was just staring at the 'Sue and not caring, apparently, whether his ribs got cracked by the serpent's body. Thompson said pointed his Canon 28 K gun at the 'Sue, and she disappeared in a flash of pink powder and glitter. Finally, Puddleglum and Eustace helped the Prince, and Rillian killed the serpent. Then we went to Headquarters and reported back." This is a report by two First Levels; they responded immediately and averted the danger. There is nothing to be improved upon in this example. Remember, ALWAYS be prompt when you get to the scene. Often, it takes only half a minute for a Mary Sue or Gary Stu to utterly destroy the canon. Consider this report from LOTRCK's Gabriel and Charles, a Second Level and a First Level in the respectively, on Charles's third assignment:

"Gabriel and I were ordered to respond to a situation where a fanfiction author had inserted an OC, a beastly Mary Sue whose name I will not try to remember. She had fallen in love with Frodo, and gone with him instead of Sam. But worse is to come: when Gollum was guiding them, she was the one who rescued Frodo from the Dead Marshes with her hidden, magical elven powers; she also saved him many more times. This was a rather obscure fanfic, so the Canon Police did not even notice it until the abominable thing had gotten to ten chapters. In the tenth chapter, the 'Sue threw Gollum down the side of Cirith Ungol after being ordered by Frodo to stay behind, then climbed up after him. Just as she got back to him, Shelob had already stung him, so the 'Sue of course attacked the monstrous spider and KILLED IT! This was shocking enough, but after that, she took the Ring off of Frodo and proceeded to say some magic words over the Ring, and transformed it into a weapon that could do good! This was when it caught the eye of the Canon Police. Gabriel and I were summoned at once, and told to go and subdue this horrible Mary Sue at once. When we got there, she was just waking Frodo with her magic, and they were about to turn around and bring the Ring to Minas Tirith! Well, Gabriel told me to take care of the 'Sue, but she turned out to be more powerful than the Canon Police had realized. This was an assignment more for two Second Levels than for a First and Second. Gabriel had to help me get the Ring from the 'Sue quickly and give it back to Frodo, then we both wrestled her to the ground and zapped her at least ten times with our Canon 30 T guns before she finally disappeared. A stern warning letter was sent at once to the author of the fanfic, and we returned to Headquarters."

Once in a while, this will happen. The Canon Police may not recognize the true extent of the threat posed by a 'Sue or 'Stu or 'Sam, and an inadequate person may be sent on the mission. It is rare, but be prepared. Your pay will be increased if it does happen.

An example of a badly handled job:

Elly and Kay were sent to deal with a small case of Suspian. Both were First Levels, doing their first task without a Second Level to go with them. They arrived right in the middle of a passionate kissing scene between Ben Barnes and Anna Popplewell, styling themselves as Caspian and Susan. Elly, unfortunately, found that she had forgotten her Canon 30 T gun, so they were forced to change their plan of action. Elly forced them apart while Kay took her gun and shot at Barnes. However, just before the shot hit him, he locked hands with Popplewell, which made both him and her stronger. Elly forced them apart again, and Kay was able to get a shot off at Popplewell before they could hold hands again. At last, Barnes was defeated, and the real Susan and Caspian appeared with two other Canon Keepers who had just rescued them.

The moral of this example: NEVER, EVER, EVER forget your gun. It is just as essential as your inter-universe transportation device. If your gun is forgotten, you make it harder to complete your assignment, thus losing valuable time in which you could have been doing another assignment. If you lose just one minute on each assignment, then that adds up to a whole hour lost in a two-month period. It may not sound like much, but there are so many cases that must be attended to, that every minute of every day Canon Keepers are on assignments. Remember to always, ALWAYS bring your gun. Five cases of forgetfulness will drop you down a rank, and if you are already a First Level, you will be fired and not allowed to reapply for six months.

Here is an example of a Third Level assignment, in which one of our distinguished Canon Keepers came up against an extremely difficult situation:

Henry had been assigned a case which required his utmost concentration. He would have been sent with another Third Level, but they were all away and it was a case of the greatest urgency. There were no less than 7 non-canonical imposters: Four of them were pretending to be the Pevensies, while two others were pretending to be Eustace and Jill and the seventh was an OC. The Pevensies were all "in love" with each other: Susan was in love with both Peter and Edmund, Peter in love with Susan and Lucy, Edmund in love with Peter and Lucy, and Lucy in love with Edmund and Susan. None of them could decide which they loved the most, and meanwhile Eustace was also in love with Susan and Jill was in love with Lucy. The OC, a Gary Stu, was in love with Edmund. It was such a complicated mess already, and it was only eight paragraphs into the first chapter. Henry raced right into the fanfiction, and encountered Peter, Susan and the OC all fighting together over whom they loved the most, and why they mattered the most. Henry immediately zapped the 'Stu with his Canon 500 DL Super Powered 'Stu/'Sue gun, and the OC immediately vanished in a horrible shower of blue glittering dust. It nearly smothered Henry. Then he went to work on "Peter" and "Susan", and had a much harder time with them. Just as he was about to finish "Peter" off, Lucy and Edmund came in with Eustace and Jill, all of them wrangling together as well. Then Henry had a wonderful idea: he grabbed Lucy and Edmund and banged their heads hard together, at the same time using his specially issued Canon Dirk to stab them. They vanished in clouds of choking black, glittery fumes (this happens when a 'Sue and a 'Stu are killed together). He did the same with Jill and Eustace, and Susan and Peter. He had not completely killed the first two because of the interruption. You can imagine his sigh of relief as he completed his task. Try to remember this scenario if you are ever having a more than usually difficult time, even if you are not a Third Level. Henry was awarded the high honor of the Canon Keeper's Badge of Courage and Resourcefulness, and given a pay raise. 


End file.
